God, etc.

Dear Nayak,

I was so touched, moved, and enlightened by your post. What a gesture
of self-offering! I am all gratitude to you, Nayak, for your post and
for your place in my family's and my spiritual journeys.

Isn't what you described the ultimate battle in life? In society at
large, people are always trying to find ways, big and small, to
anesthetize themselves to keep from feeling pain. Loneliness ---
separation from God--- is the ultimate pain. Addictions, habits,
relationships, people will try anything to keep from feeling that
loneliness. Ironically, aren't many bad "solutions" even culturally
sanctioned and commercially encouraged under the guise of taking care
of yourself/you deserve it? ("Have a drink!" "Oh, he has an important
job and he works so hard!" "Shop until you drop.")

Whether or not to turn on the TV outwardly seems like such a small
thing. Yet you had the presence to recognize the power of what lay
behind it, and the strength to take it as an opportunity to transcend
and use that moment to become closer to God.

And isn't the pain of loneliness one of people's most guarded
feelings? You have transcended that as well, allowing us precious
insight. What a gift.

I am all gratitude,
Sarah
Seattle

Nayak,

Cool!!

Jackie
San Diego

In Sri_Chinmoy_Inspiration@yahoogroups.com, nayaknayaknayak
wrote:
>
> I am out here 2000 miles from home on a job to help workers lead a
> better life. But what I wanted to say is that coming into an empty
> hotel room after traveling on a plane in public circumstances for
> hours and hours, I felt a kind of desolation. A very nice Indian man
> who owns this motel drove the shuttle that picked me up from the
> airport and has already offered to cook me eggs for breakfast.
> That's good, I have something to look forward to.
>
> Coming into that hotel room, I felt a kind of deep loneliness that I
> could easily have boiled away with some useless TV (or worse than
> useless TV). In my last post I talked about getting to know God and
> the gratitude that I feel to Sri Chinmoy for giving me the big
> picture (G-O-D). That is relevant here, because when I come out of
> my context in Seattle, when I leave my nice house with pictures of
> Sri Chinmoy smiling, when I leave behind the bird drawings and the
> books by my Guru lining the shelves, a lot of cues about spiritual
> life are gone, and the support system all has to come from within.
> Within is sometimes there and sometimes not, so the quest can be
> quite desert-like rather than dessert-like at times.
>
> So where is this all leading? I sat down in my nice hotel room (that
> Indian owner has done an excellent job on this place), I sat down on
> the floor leaning against the generically nice couch, I sat with Sri
> Chinmoy's meditation picture in front of me--a picture that he
> personally handed to me (and to many others) during a Christmas
> trip, I sat with the TV just a few feet away over there, and a towel
> was draped over it to prevent me from even thinking about turning it
> on, and I just cried and cried for loneliness for the Supreme. Where
> are You, God? That is what I felt in this nice but nowhere place. I
> also felt tremendous pressure to go and rip that towel off the TV
> and anesthetize my mind with its desired input of entertaining junk.
> Then I knew that I would also have to come to this site and see what
> my friends have to say. Just coming here and seeing the names of
> people I know and don't know, that has made a big difference.
>
> Well, I meditated for about a half-hour, and it did its magic. The
> TV god did not grab me, no. I felt that even my tears were a
> presence of Him (and Her). I felt, "this is going to be ok." My
> quest to discover my Friend, God, my Protector, God, my All, God--
> that continues.
>
> Now, the funny thing is, if I want to go watch TV now, if I want to
> see what the rest of humanity is doing, if I want to see what
> moronic stuff, what humor, is out there, well, that's fine.
>
> So, what do we learn from this? We learn (well, I learn), that if
> the God touch is there then whatever we do has that God-touch. We
> also learn that if you call to God, He comes, She comes, It comes,
> They All come. That's nice. I like that.
>
> Love,
>
> Nayak

I guess one reason I really liked Nayak's message #9680 is that it
was very real and personal. It seemed to be the quintessential
posting in a certain style which many people appreciate - where the
poster talks about not just the happiness that comes from spiritual
living, but also the daily struggles leading to that happiness.
(Palyati and Sarada, I do remember these things.)

Sometimes an intense feeling of loneliness for God can be the
precursor to a spiritual experience. A not-terribly-profound
aphorism came to me when I read Nayak's message:

"The beauty of God is found in tears and smiles."

What I feel is that having a teacher and a path is not an "instant
happiness pill," it's an incredibly valuable tool - but we still
have to work through our sorrows and learn to transform them into
joys. Or, we can depend on God to change our nature, but God needs
our constant, dynamic cooperation in this process.

I'm not a December person - it's usually the roughest month of the
year for me. And I am by nature a lone wolf - not someone who finds
it easy to come in and sit by the fire and bond with a spiritual
community.

I'm also about a million miles away from the "surrender" stage of
the spiritual journey, so in going through the postings I wonder if
some material is meant for very advanced seekers. Here I am
struggling with the basics, and at times I feel hopelessly buried
under postings talking about surrender. Have most people posting
about surrender reached the surrender stage, or is it a question of
"a man's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a Heaven for?"
(Robert Browning).

I tend not to think of myself as terribly fit for the spiritual
life, and maybe that's one reason I volunteered to be the "bouncer"
for this group. I feel I'm a crude enough person to deal with the
harassing emails anti-cultists send me without it "lowering my
consciousness." Not because I'm above it, but because my
consciousness is already in the basement much of time, so what's to
lose? ;-)

Around the end of August, some friends sent me a beautiful video in
which Inspiration Group regulars offered their good wishes to the
Assistant Moderator. I did not (and still do not) know how to
receive such kindness gracefully. My first thought was that they
must be talking about someone else; but I hope someday I will be
able to feel such kindness more fully.

One issue I have been exploring this year is something Doris
mentioned a few months ago. She talked about seeing children growing
up in the streets of East Berlin, and how they needed a kind of
emotional cutoff valve just to survive.

We live in a larger society ("the world") which produces many
casualties, especially among children - and the children who were
those casualties are faced with the problem in adult life of
learning to feel deeply - learning to trust. It's a universal
problem, and I've been trying to write a short story about it.

Anyway, on to Aparajita and my apology. One of the people in the
video was Aparajita. He said some very nice things praising my
efforts. Now it's true I don't much mind getting the harassing
emails from anti-cultists, but one reason I don't mind is that these
people don't know my name. This helps me feel that the insults stop
someplace well before my real self.

The troubled people who spend much of their time harassing Sri
Chinmoy Centre have no idea who I am. Maybe it's cowardly on my
part, but I very much prefer it that way! Yet, in the absence of any
knowledge of my identity, some hostile people have started the
(false) rumor that I'm Aparajita. I think they have developed a need
to hate - and just as the God-lover may choose the form of God which
is most pleasing to them in order to feel more love, people addicted
to hate also find it difficult to hate a mere abstraction. They are
not satisfied simply to hate "Assistant Moderator." So from a vacuum
of information they have started the rumor that I'm Aparajita, and
they have proceeded to harass poor Aparajita!

So I apologize to Aparajita that whatever there is to hate in me
(and I'm sure there is much), he is being victimized as a surrogate.
I apologize that I'm not so courageous that I want to give out my
name on the Internet, so that the anti-cultists can harass me more
up close and personal. I apologize that I am causing Aparajita
unintentional suffering.

Far be it from me to write a book called "Harassment For Dummies,"
with the familiar yellow-and-black cover. But surely Step #1 would
be "Correctly identify the person you have a beef with." I think if
the people who are harassing poor Aparajita would look more deeply
and question more carefully, they could gain insight into the
process which led them to believe many false things - not just about
Aparajita, but about Sri Chinmoy.

If they look even more deeply, they can begin to question the forces
which constantly push them to belittle and harass people who are
following their conscience in choosing a life of prayer, meditation
and service. In my opinion, Sri Chinmoy's students are not saints,
they are ordinary human beings trying to bring out the divinity
within themselves. (Maybe that last bit does make them
extraordinary!) They are following the age old counsel to "hunger
and thirst for righteousness." Like all human beings, they sometimes
cry out in loneliness. (It takes courage to admit this, and that's
another reason I admire Nayak's message #9680.) They feel that when
they cry out to God, God hears their prayers and gives them real
sustenance, helping them find the joy and wisdom that will lessen
their burdens and transform sorrows into joys. As Sarah in Seattle
has pointed out, this is different than simply drowning one's
troubles through conspicuous consumption.

But to each his own! If people have found something that works
better for them, why don't they apply themselves wholeheartedly to
it? By ridiculing those who feel loneliness for God, and who shed
tears for God, they are only showing their hard-heartedness. (Here
again I am referring to the anti-cultists.)

On another tangent... Just about *everybody* who's had an email
account for any length of time receives tons of computer viruses.
This includes both spiritual seekers and their critics - as well as
chicken farmers and astronauts. Viruses are a fact of life on the
Internet, and you protect against them by such methods as installing
anti-virus software and not opening suspicious emails containing
attachments. Only wackos believe that "the cult" is monitoring their
computers!

In my duties as Assistant Moderator, I've gotten auto-respond emails
saying that a message sent from
Sri_Chinmoy_Inspiration-unsubscribe(at)yahoogroups.com could not be
opened by the recipient because it contained a virus. Now, that
sender address is not available to users for sending emails - it's
just an auto-unsubscribe address used by Yahoo. How does an email
containing a virus get sent from that address?

>From what I understand, viruses propagate by collecting large lists
of email addresses, and sending copies of themselves which appear to
come from those addresses. So it's not unusual to get these
"spoofed" emails containing viruses from a sender whose address you
recognize as a friend, an enemy, the company you bank with, or the
name of a Yahoo group you belong to. This doesn't indicate that the
person, company or group listed as the sender is infected with a
virus or has sent it to you. It only means that somewhere along the
line, the virus found that email address and started using it to
email copies of itself.

Thank you to anyone who has made it through this labyrinth of
topics!

Assistant Moderator

Dear A.M.,

This morning I went to visit Mridula for my weekly visit -- not too
far from Annam Brahma. I had copied some of Sumangali's postings and
read them to her. Not surprisingly, she enjoyed them so much. Then
she asked if I knew who the A. M. was and I replied that I didn't
know, but it did not matter because he/she did a perfect job of
keeping things in tow. She then said, "If I ever find out who it is,
would I tell her?" Of course I would tell if it really ever came up,
but I myself have no need to know who this very brilliant person is
who is doing this unimaginable service for all of us and for the
Supreme. So, thank you again for your painstaking care. You are the
*greatest*.......don't worry about what others say about you -- who
you are is a very good instrument of the Supreme, that's who you
are!

Love your spirit like anything, Snehashila

This is ironic - I have to laugh. After reading this praise of
Nayak's message #9680, I realised I haven't felt that kind of
loneliness for a long time. I've even been visited more and more of
late by a feeling that comes of its own volition: a mix of love and
enthusiasm for nothing except being alive. It makes me want to jump
and dance about and pester someone affectionately because I don't
know what else to do with it all.

Giving always seems to simplify things, doesn't it? It keeps the
energy going in one proper direction. When there's nothing to give,
things get complicated. I can't shake off the flu - I've worked a
bit, but still spend lots of time at home by myself (hence the
profusion of postings). I don't mind that; I must say I revel in my
own company and have the most fun usually. Not being busy is not
good for my mind though.

Today a book was open but I was lost in my own reverie, which
tangled itself into a bout of brooding. My life suddenly seemed a
big knot of emptiness, and I felt hopeless to resolve it all. If
we're loving, the world is a fond, loving nest; if we're happy, the
world smiles. I was just plain morose, so there wasn't a whole lot
of smiling going on in my world, or gratitude, or love, or anything
except self-centred confusion. I felt like the whole world was
composed only of deficiency and scarcity.

I'm glad to say this is a rare state for me, but the unfamiliarity
made it all the more difficult to work my way out of it. It lasted
for a long time. There was not even the impulse to pray or cry; it
was just self-perpetuating emptiness, and I couldn't imagine ever
being free of it again.

Finally I had the idea to write it all down, just as it came to me.
At first I couldn't even recognise any part of it that I could put
into words, and just stared at the blankness reflecting my own
blankness. Whenever I think I can't do anything though, I can always
write something, even if it's something fragile and meaningless.
Once I managed to hook it onto some coherent thought, it all came
tumbling out there. I already felt relieved - it was reassuring at
least to acquaint myself with the feelings, even if I didn't know
what to do with them.

I took it all to my meditation room. There I found the tears, and
the longing, and the gratitude: at last, something familiar. It was
like coming home from a strange, uncomfortable journey. Although I
ended up back where I started before the brooding, that place had so
much more value. In minutes I was back to my ebullient self, as if
nothing had happened. After a while I was able to do something
positive.

Just now I put my head outside to feel the rain and admire the
dwindling twilight. It looked like Nature's tears and darkness were
only just beginning, and I felt I had a new empathy for her. I
thought of all the people who must be out there somewhere in the
throes of that darkness I had felt, and for myriad (probably much
more valid) reasons. I felt new empathy for them. Feeling stronger
and clearer after my journey, empathy seemed more useful and
appropriate than sadness.

Sumangali
:oD

Dear AM,

I'm sorry to hear that both you and Aparajita are getting harassed
by people who object to the fact that you follow a particular
spiritual path. I must be somewhat naive, as it hadn't occurred to
me that you would be a target for this kind of thing.

It opens up the topic of "why do some people hate/distrust all
spiritual groups?" and the associated topic of "why do some people
hate/distrust all spiritual groups apart from their own?"

I have come across both viewpoints in my time and have to confess
that I find them totally baffling. Still, I have no problem with
people holding a view that baffles me - I am baffled so often that
if I did I would be in opposition to most of the universe, which
would be crazy. What I do have a problem with is the harassment of
sincere seekers who are simply going about their personal spiritual
journey in the way their heart has chosen. I'm very glad that you
feel you can handle it. At last I understand the reason for your
anonymity!

Thanks for all you're doing in keeping this group going - it's a
real boon for so many people.

Roger
Cardiff

To me, surrender is a little daunting to mind but thrilling to the
heart. My heart feels that surrender is bliss. Perhaps in reference
to surrender the quote below could become: "a man's reach should
(release) his grasp, or what's a Heaven for?" (Robert Browning).
I yearn to surrender when I feel that God wants a home in my heart. I
believe surrender is evident at every stage of the spiritual journey
but definitely in different quantities. Each time one meditates,
soulfully sings or self gives, to me this is surrender. It might be
the smallest amount possible, but it all adds up!

-=>Colm.

Dear Assistant Moderator:

Your post provoked much thoughtful reflection and struck chords on
multiple levels inside me. I haven't written for several months and
this message prompted an end to my hiatus.

First, I wanted to join with the other responders to add my personal
and sincere thanks for your overseeing of this group. This message
to us opened a window into some of the truly unpleasant aspects of
this task. For all the ways we take for granted what you do to keep
this group alive, please believe that this thanks is sincere and
not some perfunctory platitude. Also, may we all wish goodwill for
Aparajita ...

Secondly, you struck a chord with your mention of children as
casualties in the world at large - often needing to shut down to
survive and the subsequent numbing of feelings and issues of trust.
I tried to find Doris' post about East Berlin* that you mentioned
but didn't have success. For me, following a spiritual path has
involved trying to unlearn this type of damage in my life more than
just about anything else. I don't think it's possible to really get
close to God with these hurdles in the way. I sometimes feel that
this issue of doubt and trust – of self, others and God -- is the
crux of man's entire existence and all the myriad problems and
sufferings that we encounter. I feel like the luckiest person alive
sometimes when I reflect that I am on a spiritual path which
encourages me to feel that I am so much more than I dare dream is
true, and which patiently tries to keep me "real" despite the
ever-beckoning ways that society offers to stay in denial as a
response to pain. So your mention that lately your focus is on this
"universal problem" and that you are trying to write a short story
about it, provoked this response. And I will always wish for anyone
who cries for it to find healing and peace while struggling with
these heavy burdens.

Sharani Robins
Rhode Island

[*Thanks so much, Sharani, and all who responded. Doris's message is
#5312. -Assistant Moderator]

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Sri_Chinmoy_Inspiration/message/5312

Dear Assistant Moderator

Happy New Year to you and all who post or read here. I just came
back from a lovely Christmas Trip with Sri Chinmoy. Your posting
attracted my attention.

Regarding your "not-terribly-profound" aphorism, I beg to differ; I
feel it is terribly profound. As a matter of fact, sometimes I
summarize what I have learned from Sri Chinmoy in two things- he has
taught me how to smile and how to cry.

I cry because I need from God certain things, but most of all,
hopefully I will one day cry only for Him. I cry because I am a
helpless child. This cry, when I am able to do it, brings God to me;
He comes to my rescue.

I smile becuase it makes everything better immediately. It cures my
inner headache. I offer God my outer smile, to let Him know that His
Love is enough, His Compassion is enough, His Forgiveness is enough.
God needs our smile.

I have a lot in common with you, judging by your posting. I am also
lonely by nature, not much of a winter person, and not terribly fit
for the spiritual life. You will find that many of Sri Chinmoy's
students feel, and not wrongly, that they are on a spiritual path
because of the Master's unconditional love, forgiveness and
compassion.

I remember clearly how I felt spiritually before I met Sri Chinmoy.
Wanting the Truth, but not knowing what it was, where it was, or
where to find it. Feeling shackled, and not knowing how to achieve
freedom.

Sri Chinmoy, in silent meditation, without speaking a word, awoke
the fire of aspiration in me, gave me the experience of feeling
inner light; helped me feel pure and free, without saying one word.

He did all this before I even thought of doing anything for him. If
this is not unconditional love, what is?

Anyhow, I oftentimes feel that I don't get it. I feel that I do not
know how to fully appreciate what I have, the beautiful Teacher I
have. I feel blind, deaf and dumb.

But he shows me divine love, and that is the difference in my life.
His love nurtures me, gives me faith in myself. What can I say? My
Master's love has been the only constant in my spiritual life; my
own consciousness is way too variable.

My point is that if I were to judge if I am fit for the spiritual
life, my mind would give me a resounding "NO!" But my heart feels
differently. It wants to show devotion; it wants to be grateful; it
wants to serve humanity.

I do think ALL of us who write about surrender have not reached the
surrender stage. This is a very, very high state. The way that Sri
Chinmoy writes about it, it seems to occur just before you realise
God. We are dreaming with things like this. But again, you must
dream about something before you achieve it! All great journeys and
achievements start with a dream. Dream is the start of our journey.

I dream of the day that I will be all gratitude, love, devotion and
surrender to the Supreme. Let this dream stay alive in me till I
breathe my last.

Hopefully all these great spiritual qualities like love, devotion,
surrender, gratitude, etc. can and do grow slowly in us. Today we
have a little, and tomorrow a little more. We exercise the inner
muscle, and it becomes stronger, ever so slowly.

This reminds me of a prayer by Sri Chinmoy:

"Let us not take a break, let us not.
Let us continue
With our poor aspiration
And with our feeble dedication.

Let us not take a break, let us not.
For God-realisation is still a far cry,
God manifestation is almost an impossible task
And God-satisfaction is far, far, far
Beyond our imagination.

Let us not take a break, let us not.
For there may come a time
When our Beloved Lord Supreme,
Out of his unconditional Compassion,
Will infinitely increase
The purity of our aspiration
And infinitely increase
The beauty of our dedication
To realise Him,
To manifest Him
And to satisfy Him
In His own Way."

Thanks, Assistant Moderator! I do hope to meet you some day, maybe
chat over a cup of coffee...

Kamalakanta

[Thanks, Kamalakanta. Happy New Year! -Assistant Moderator]