Despite their best intentions, some runners are not quite marathon
material. This includes those who weigh over 300 pounds, those who
have recently undergone open heart surgery, those with no arms or
legs, and those made entirely out of oleomargarine.
Hopefully, those who cannot actually run a marathon can enjoy
oneness-heart with those who can. If they cannot enjoy oneness-
heart, at least they can enjoy oneness-humor. To that end, I present
harmonyvision's:
Seven Steps To Successfully Avoiding A Marathon
Step 1: Today's digital alarm clocks are both loud and accurate.
This simply will not do. You want to find an old wind-up alarm clock
and avoid winding it. Just in case it might go off anyway, wrap it
in several layers of underwear, and keep it close to your bed so you
can shut it off without actually having to get out of bed.
Step 2: Diet is very important. I recommend the John Belushi diet of
little chocolate donuts, the official food of the Olympics! This
should be augmented with several pounds of fried bird seed. (Use
only canola oil--or if this is unavailable, Jiffy Lube.)
Step 3: A proper training schedule is crucial for the avoidance of
marathons. Choosing the right time of day is half the battle. The
morning is a very bad time to run. At that time, neighborhood dogs
will be at their friskiest and most alert. They are bound to chase
you. It would be better to run in the afternoon, but then there is
the smog and the heat. The best time to run would seem to be the
evening; but that is the time when all the criminals come out. Under
no circumstances should you run in the evening. Therefore, always
follow a strict training schedule which avoids running at these
three times: morning, afternoon and evening. Then you will be well
on your way to successfully avoiding a marathon.
Step 4: Many people foolishly take the race entry form for granted.
This is a newbie mistake. Nothing about a marathon should be left to
chance! If your goal was to run the marathon, you would want to mail
in the form early with proper payment, making sure that all fields
were filled out legibly. As that is not your intention, you must
follow a different strategy. Mail in the form the day before the
race. Do not include any payment. Make sure your name is written as
illegibly as possible. (To be on the safe side, you may want to use
a false name, such as Archimides I. Zyzyandottie.) Before mailing in
the form, tear it into small pieces and scotch tape it back together
in the wrong order, so that none of the words make any sense. Then
run it over with your car. Stuff it in an unstamped envelope, send
it to the Office of Philippines Tourism, and you're on your way to
Step 5.
Step 5: Diet remains an important consideration. Your diet of little
chocolate donuts and fried bird seed should have put you in good
stead up until the final week before the race. However, that is the
time when many champion marathoners begin fine-tuning their diet. By
all means follow their example! About a week before, prepare a
gallon of New England clam chowder, and leave it out on your porch
or fire escape. Every day, add one cup of cayenne pepper, and one
cup of cherry Nyquil. Season to taste. The day before the race, you
want to load up on this mixture so that all your digestive and
eliminative organs perform as one, supporting you in your ultimate
goal: avoidance of the Perfect Marathon.
Step 6: There is no Step 6. This is intentional. If all seven steps
were present, this might give you a feeling of confidence which
could undo all the other beneficial elements of your training,
causing you to possibly show up and run the marathon in spite of
being utterly unprepared. Missing a step is just what you need to
get totally psyched for missing the marathon itself!
Step 7: The day of the marathon is very important. This day will
have its own rhythm. It's essential that you not allow the pressures
of the day to interfere with all your prior training and
preparation. True, you are prepared. But again, you must leave
nothing to chance. If, due to nerves, you are unable to oversleep,
and find yourself actually awake and out of bed in time to run the
marathon, you must have a pre-planned schedule of activities which
are guaranteed to waylay you. Although some trainers may consider
this overkill, I feel that on the day of the 'thon (as we veteran
marathon avoiders call it), you should simultaneously book:
a) a dental appointment
b) a visit to the Department of Motor Vehicles
c) a trip to your local hospital's emergency room
Although any one of these appointments should succeed in tying you
up for several hours, there is always the risk that a sudden burst
of uncharacteristic efficiency will bring a tragic end to an
otherwise brilliant series of marathon-avoidance maneuvers.
Conclusions
As you can see, avoiding a marathon is not as difficult as it might
at first seem. The key is proper preparation and training. The
beauty of my seven step program is that it may be used by both
novice avoiders and seasoned veterans who have slept through many a
marathon. Even housewives have said that this program worked for
them. A side benefit was that they not only avoided the marathon,
but also kept pounds and inches on their hips. Some learned to play
the piano overnight.
I have not said much about the actual competition. Of course, in
avoiding a marathon, you're not trying to compete with anyone. It's
really about self-transcendence. If others mock at you and call you
"lazy and useless," pay them no mind. You know how hard you have
trained, and you know the significance of what you have achieved.
The day after the marathon is bound to be a letdown. You may be
thinking: "I trained so hard. True, I achieved my goal, but was it
worth the effort?"
Now is not the time for self-doubt. The best way to overcome such
thoughts is to ignore them. Get right back out there and start
training for the next marathon, which promises to be even more worth
avoiding. Can you rise to the challenge? I'll be rooting for ya! Now
get out there you son of a gun, and lose one for the Gipper!
Note: Per Suren's suggestion, I tried to create a program where you
don't have to think about how much to run today, how much to run
tomorrow, etc. ...
**********
Chale Sei Drutatama
He runs the fastest who does not run at all,
And who, like Lord Shiva, is in deep meditation,
trance-bound, still,
Like day and night.
And those who run toward the oasis in the deserts
of desire,
How can they run in search of the Light Supreme?
Despite their best intentions, some runners are not quite marathon
material. This includes those who weigh over 300 pounds, those who
have recently undergone open heart surgery, those with no arms or
legs, and those made entirely out of oleomargarine.
Hopefully, those who cannot actually run a marathon can enjoy
oneness-heart with those who can. If they cannot enjoy oneness-
heart, at least they can enjoy oneness-humor. To that end, I present
harmonyvision's:
Seven Steps To Successfully Avoiding A Marathon
Step 1: Today's digital alarm clocks are both loud and accurate.
This simply will not do. You want to find an old wind-up alarm clock
and avoid winding it. Just in case it might go off anyway, wrap it
in several layers of underwear, and keep it close to your bed so you
can shut it off without actually having to get out of bed.
Step 2: Diet is very important. I recommend the John Belushi diet of
little chocolate donuts, the official food of the Olympics! This
should be augmented with several pounds of fried bird seed. (Use
only canola oil--or if this is unavailable, Jiffy Lube.)
Step 3: A proper training schedule is crucial for the avoidance of
marathons. Choosing the right time of day is half the battle. The
morning is a very bad time to run. At that time, neighborhood dogs
will be at their friskiest and most alert. They are bound to chase
you. It would be better to run in the afternoon, but then there is
the smog and the heat. The best time to run would seem to be the
evening; but that is the time when all the criminals come out. Under
no circumstances should you run in the evening. Therefore, always
follow a strict training schedule which avoids running at these
three times: morning, afternoon and evening. Then you will be well
on your way to successfully avoiding a marathon.
Step 4: Many people foolishly take the race entry form for granted.
This is a newbie mistake. Nothing about a marathon should be left to
chance! If your goal was to run the marathon, you would want to mail
in the form early with proper payment, making sure that all fields
were filled out legibly. As that is not your intention, you must
follow a different strategy. Mail in the form the day before the
race. Do not include any payment. Make sure your name is written as
illegibly as possible. (To be on the safe side, you may want to use
a false name, such as Archimides I. Zyzyandottie.) Before mailing in
the form, tear it into small pieces and scotch tape it back together
in the wrong order, so that none of the words make any sense. Then
run it over with your car. Stuff it in an unstamped envelope, send
it to the Office of Philippines Tourism, and you're on your way to
Step 5.
Step 5: Diet remains an important consideration. Your diet of little
chocolate donuts and fried bird seed should have put you in good
stead up until the final week before the race. However, that is the
time when many champion marathoners begin fine-tuning their diet. By
all means follow their example! About a week before, prepare a
gallon of New England clam chowder, and leave it out on your porch
or fire escape. Every day, add one cup of cayenne pepper, and one
cup of cherry Nyquil. Season to taste. The day before the race, you
want to load up on this mixture so that all your digestive and
eliminative organs perform as one, supporting you in your ultimate
goal: avoidance of the Perfect Marathon.
Step 6: There is no Step 6. This is intentional. If all seven steps
were present, this might give you a feeling of confidence which
could undo all the other beneficial elements of your training,
causing you to possibly show up and run the marathon in spite of
being utterly unprepared. Missing a step is just what you need to
get totally psyched for missing the marathon itself!
Step 7: The day of the marathon is very important. This day will
have its own rhythm. It's essential that you not allow the pressures
of the day to interfere with all your prior training and
preparation. True, you are prepared. But again, you must leave
nothing to chance. If, due to nerves, you are unable to oversleep,
and find yourself actually awake and out of bed in time to run the
marathon, you must have a pre-planned schedule of activities which
are guaranteed to waylay you. Although some trainers may consider
this overkill, I feel that on the day of the 'thon (as we veteran
marathon avoiders call it), you should simultaneously book:
a) a dental appointment
b) a visit to the Department of Motor Vehicles
c) a trip to your local hospital's emergency room
Although any one of these appointments should succeed in tying you
up for several hours, there is always the risk that a sudden burst
of uncharacteristic efficiency will bring a tragic end to an
otherwise brilliant series of marathon-avoidance maneuvers.
Conclusions
As you can see, avoiding a marathon is not as difficult as it might
at first seem. The key is proper preparation and training. The
beauty of my seven step program is that it may be used by both
novice avoiders and seasoned veterans who have slept through many a
marathon. Even housewives have said that this program worked for
them. A side benefit was that they not only avoided the marathon,
but also kept pounds and inches on their hips. Some learned to play
the piano overnight.
I have not said much about the actual competition. Of course, in
avoiding a marathon, you're not trying to compete with anyone. It's
really about self-transcendence. If others mock at you and call you
"lazy and useless," pay them no mind. You know how hard you have
trained, and you know the significance of what you have achieved.
The day after the marathon is bound to be a letdown. You may be
thinking: "I trained so hard. True, I achieved my goal, but was it
worth the effort?"
Now is not the time for self-doubt. The best way to overcome such
thoughts is to ignore them. Get right back out there and start
training for the next marathon, which promises to be even more worth
avoiding. Can you rise to the challenge? I'll be rooting for ya! Now
get out there you son of a gun, and lose one for the Gipper!
Note: Per Suren's suggestion, I tried to create a program where you
don't have to think about how much to run today, how much to run
tomorrow, etc. ...
**********
Chale Sei Drutatama
He runs the fastest who does not run at all,
And who, like Lord Shiva, is in deep meditation,
trance-bound, still,
Like day and night.
And those who run toward the oasis in the deserts
of desire,
How can they run in search of the Light Supreme?
-Sri Chinmoy