This is ironic - I have to laugh. After reading this praise of
Nayak's message #9680, I realised I haven't felt that kind of
loneliness for a long time. I've even been visited more and more of
late by a feeling that comes of its own volition: a mix of love and
enthusiasm for nothing except being alive. It makes me want to jump
and dance about and pester someone affectionately because I don't
know what else to do with it all.
Giving always seems to simplify things, doesn't it? It keeps the
energy going in one proper direction. When there's nothing to give,
things get complicated. I can't shake off the flu - I've worked a
bit, but still spend lots of time at home by myself (hence the
profusion of postings). I don't mind that; I must say I revel in my
own company and have the most fun usually. Not being busy is not
good for my mind though.
Today a book was open but I was lost in my own reverie, which
tangled itself into a bout of brooding. My life suddenly seemed a
big knot of emptiness, and I felt hopeless to resolve it all. If
we're loving, the world is a fond, loving nest; if we're happy, the
world smiles. I was just plain morose, so there wasn't a whole lot
of smiling going on in my world, or gratitude, or love, or anything
except self-centred confusion. I felt like the whole world was
composed only of deficiency and scarcity.
I'm glad to say this is a rare state for me, but the unfamiliarity
made it all the more difficult to work my way out of it. It lasted
for a long time. There was not even the impulse to pray or cry; it
was just self-perpetuating emptiness, and I couldn't imagine ever
being free of it again.
Finally I had the idea to write it all down, just as it came to me.
At first I couldn't even recognise any part of it that I could put
into words, and just stared at the blankness reflecting my own
blankness. Whenever I think I can't do anything though, I can always
write something, even if it's something fragile and meaningless.
Once I managed to hook it onto some coherent thought, it all came
tumbling out there. I already felt relieved - it was reassuring at
least to acquaint myself with the feelings, even if I didn't know
what to do with them.
I took it all to my meditation room. There I found the tears, and
the longing, and the gratitude: at last, something familiar. It was
like coming home from a strange, uncomfortable journey. Although I
ended up back where I started before the brooding, that place had so
much more value. In minutes I was back to my ebullient self, as if
nothing had happened. After a while I was able to do something
positive.
Just now I put my head outside to feel the rain and admire the
dwindling twilight. It looked like Nature's tears and darkness were
only just beginning, and I felt I had a new empathy for her. I
thought of all the people who must be out there somewhere in the
throes of that darkness I had felt, and for myriad (probably much
more valid) reasons. I felt new empathy for them. Feeling stronger
and clearer after my journey, empathy seemed more useful and
appropriate than sadness.
This is ironic - I have to laugh. After reading this praise of
Nayak's message #9680, I realised I haven't felt that kind of
loneliness for a long time. I've even been visited more and more of
late by a feeling that comes of its own volition: a mix of love and
enthusiasm for nothing except being alive. It makes me want to jump
and dance about and pester someone affectionately because I don't
know what else to do with it all.
Giving always seems to simplify things, doesn't it? It keeps the
energy going in one proper direction. When there's nothing to give,
things get complicated. I can't shake off the flu - I've worked a
bit, but still spend lots of time at home by myself (hence the
profusion of postings). I don't mind that; I must say I revel in my
own company and have the most fun usually. Not being busy is not
good for my mind though.
Today a book was open but I was lost in my own reverie, which
tangled itself into a bout of brooding. My life suddenly seemed a
big knot of emptiness, and I felt hopeless to resolve it all. If
we're loving, the world is a fond, loving nest; if we're happy, the
world smiles. I was just plain morose, so there wasn't a whole lot
of smiling going on in my world, or gratitude, or love, or anything
except self-centred confusion. I felt like the whole world was
composed only of deficiency and scarcity.
I'm glad to say this is a rare state for me, but the unfamiliarity
made it all the more difficult to work my way out of it. It lasted
for a long time. There was not even the impulse to pray or cry; it
was just self-perpetuating emptiness, and I couldn't imagine ever
being free of it again.
Finally I had the idea to write it all down, just as it came to me.
At first I couldn't even recognise any part of it that I could put
into words, and just stared at the blankness reflecting my own
blankness. Whenever I think I can't do anything though, I can always
write something, even if it's something fragile and meaningless.
Once I managed to hook it onto some coherent thought, it all came
tumbling out there. I already felt relieved - it was reassuring at
least to acquaint myself with the feelings, even if I didn't know
what to do with them.
I took it all to my meditation room. There I found the tears, and
the longing, and the gratitude: at last, something familiar. It was
like coming home from a strange, uncomfortable journey. Although I
ended up back where I started before the brooding, that place had so
much more value. In minutes I was back to my ebullient self, as if
nothing had happened. After a while I was able to do something
positive.
Just now I put my head outside to feel the rain and admire the
dwindling twilight. It looked like Nature's tears and darkness were
only just beginning, and I felt I had a new empathy for her. I
thought of all the people who must be out there somewhere in the
throes of that darkness I had felt, and for myriad (probably much
more valid) reasons. I felt new empathy for them. Feeling stronger
and clearer after my journey, empathy seemed more useful and
appropriate than sadness.
Sumangali
:oD